Finding My Value

Just thought I'd drop in and let people know I'm still alive.

I haven't had the energy to start my new blog yet, and I'm sorry. I wanted to start right away around New Year, but I couldn't decide on the name, and was stumped by that. I wasn't able to make decisions at that point. I wasn't able to write much either. Everything just felt a bit overwhelming. In February, I was diagnosed with depression and got medication for it. It was a dark patch around that time, but I've gotten a lot better, and maybe it will be a good thing in the long run. I have a lot of self esteem issues that needed addressing, and I might as well deal with them now. That also includes my body image. I think I will be able to write much better stuff after all this.

I no longer see myself as "fat and ugly", and I no longer expect people to judge me solely based on my fat. It's a huge relief. I still had some of those feelings while blogging here, and I guess I shouldn't say it's ALL gone. I'm also feeling less guilty and inferior about my eating habits. The fatosphere helped me a lot, but I think I also needed to address some deeper personal issues to really make a change.

When I got the diagnosis, I decided to take pressure off myself in terms of political blogging - and even reading political blogs. I haven't been around the fatosphere much lately. I never really got to posting much in forums or getting to know people in the community. I don't really know if I want to change that or not. I have a certain problem with being a "member" of the fatosphere; I don't want to form opinions simply based on what some other bloggers think or say. I'm also just not a community person. So this might change, or it might not.

FA takes a lot of thought and even more guts, and lately I haven't had room for either with the depression. But I'm coming back slowly. Right now, I'm at a point where I'm re-evaluating things, but I'm not really sure yet where I'm going to end up. So maybe I'll continue my little break still and start blogging again later. I have, however, started the blog; it's called Finding My Value, and while there are no new posts yet, it already contains some of my old posts from this blog. I won't re-post all of them - some were written pretty shoddily and others I no longer agree with. But there are some of my favorite posts archived. I haven't re-posted any comments yet (tho I do have the comments saved); I will probably do that later.

I have a sporadically updated diary blog at Deniselle's Diary Blog.

And if you're into actor James Callis, I also have The Baltarstar Blog, a fan blog that I'm updating pretty much weekly.
I actually posted a sort of fat acceptance post there once, in response to a movie he made a while back. If you're interested, it's here. I'm past feeling bad about the movie, but kinda proud over the post, because it took some courage to show my colors. I don't really talk much about fat acceptance in the fan circles, but people know where I stand, and they've been respectful. They know me personally, so maybe that helps, but I must say I'm amazed that I got no negative feedback at all on that post.

If you want to follow me on Twitter, you're welcome to do so (although it's mostly a fan Twitter, I also talk a bit about my everyday life). I'm at BaltarStar.

Oh, and about my Facebook account: I haven't signed on in ages and might not go back there, because to be honest, I hate Facebook and all its confusing applications. I might make another account later. If you friended me there and I seemed to ignore you, this is why. Nothing personal.

So that's my personal update for now. I'm doing pretty well right now, but political stuff still overwhelms me a bit, so I might not be back for a little while yet. Courage and strength to everyone blogging about body image and acceptance, as well as to everyone struggling with these issues in their daily lives. You're beautiful and, most importantly, valuable just the way you are. Keep up the important work!

Happy New Year/Diary Blog

OK, I'm done with the post-removing, but wasn't able to come up with a name that would satistfy me completely. Thanks for the title suggestions - I've been seriously considering Large Living Lesbian ("large loving" sounds a bit too much like fetishism, but "large living" might be nice). I've had too many holidays with my family to really think it through though, so the blog will probably surface in a week or two.

I've made a temporary home at Deniselle's Diary Blog, where I will be posting mostly diary-type entries. I've never had a diary blog in English before, and it felt like something I need to try out. This is not mutually exclusive with the political blog. I'll probably continue it after I establish the political one, but for now, all the important stuff I have to say will be there.

If there are any Battlestar Galactica/James Callis enthusiasts in the feed, just a reminder that I have the Baltarstar Blog where I muse on James and his character Gaius Baltar.

My other blogs are on a hiatus for now. I'll announce when I continue any of them.

Happy New Year to everyone! I'm still reading the fatosphere feed and other FA sites, and even if I never get around to commenting much, your blogs encourage me and every voice is important. Like many others, I was saddened to hear that Big Fat Blog is going down in April, but I can understand that after ten years, work situations and priorities change. Lots of respect to Paul McAleer for going on that long!

Also, Lindsay had an interesting post about whether or not the fatosphere is a community. Well worth a look.

One Final Post

I must admit I'm feeling some sadness over leaving this blog, and I want to post at least this one more goodbye - hopefully not a goodbye to readers, but to the blog itself.

First of all, don't worry - I'm not leaving and I probably won't be gone that long. In fact, I would have started the new blog already if I could think of a name! My brain always blanks out on names and comes up with horrid joke ones instead. So the top contenders at the moment are, sadly, "My General Opinion Blog, Section B-429038490", "BIB - Body Image and Bigotry", and "Fat Angry Feminist Who Likes to Sleep With Other Women (But Not Too Hairy)". Yeah. If you can think of a better name for a blog about fat acceptance/feminism/homosexuality/any other general opinions I might have, feel free to offer suggestions. I've ruled out all names beginning with "fat" and "big", because there are already so many.

I want to clarify what I'm going to axe and what will stay. The fictional character posts are definitely staying, and I will continue to write them. I'm slow with them, because I try to make it as well thought out as possible, but they're coming. I've gotten some interesting suggestions via email, and will be writing about some of those in the future. Also staying are my latest posts about fat acceptance and most of the posts about my own body image.

I'm going to axe old stuff that I no longer agree with, i.e. posts that state that "fatness is part of the western lifestyle" (i.e.fatness is a lifestyle - this is from my first ever post, and I must say I no longer agree with most of it). Also on the axe list are posts that basically serve to say "up yours, health fascists" (really useful), or any post where the stuff I'm linking to or referring to is no longer available (blogs taken down etc.). And finally, most of the posts that report old news items and stuff that, in retrospect, was sloppily written and posted just to post something that week. Some of these posts have already disappeared. I do have them saved in a Notepad file for myself, if only to read later on what a doofus I was in January 2007.

In other words, a lot of the content, especially the most recent content, is simply going to be transferred over to the new blog. I'm not sure what this means in terms of comments - I have saved the comments to all posts, but it seems complicated to re-post them in the comments section. I might want to edit some posts to include snippets from comments and my responses to them, where the comments gave me a deeper understanding of the issue.

I want to thank all the readers. It means so much to me that people read my writing, like it, and are inspired by it. It makes me feel much better about myself, and I hope the added self esteem also shows in the posts and helps others in turn. We're all in this together - body acceptance is a journey that never ends and none of us are "there" yet.

Stats off Sitemer, as of Dec 17th:

                    -- Site Summary ---                
     Visits

       Total ....................... 33,128       
       Average per Day ................ 154       
       Average Visit Length .......... 1:02       
       This Week .................... 1,077       

     Page Views

       Total ....................... 49,025       
       Average per Day ................ 221       
       Average per Visit .............. 1.4       
       This Week .................... 1,544 

Wow. I just wanna say, I'm really touched that people still read so much. I've barely updated the blog in the past few months, yet I've had so many views. It feels a little surreal that 154 people check the blog daily - some, I know, through a search that has zero to do with Fat Acceptance, but a lot seem to come from Shapely Prose or other FA sites - and that I've had over 30,000 visits. I also see that there are four other bloggers following me. Wow.

If you sent me a comment and I published it but never responded, I'm sorry. Sometimes it was because I was so touched and excited by your comment that I just didn't know how to respond. Sometimes because the comment really made me think and I was going to rethink it and post in a few days, and then forgot. I hope no one has felt their post was dumb or unworthy of a response, because that's not at all what I was thinking. The same goes for any emails I may have forgotten to reply to - I have read them all, and I do appreciate all the viewpoints. I'm just bad at replying.

I hope you will continue to read, comment, email and challenge me.

To quote Krusty the Klown: I wish you all
Merry Christmas!
Happy Hanukkah!
Kwazy Kwanzaa!
A Tip Top Tet!
And a solemn, dignified Ramadan.

See you in the new blog! :)

A Fresh Start

You may have noticed posting has been sporadic lately. I've been thinking about many post topics, but for some reason, haven't been able to post much. The blog doesn't really feel mine anymore. A lot changes in two years - I feel like I've outgrown it. It's like an old nightie that you want to keep forever because you like it so much, but at some point, you have to admit that it's tight and has holes in it. You can't wear it in front of guests anymore. You can only put it in the back of your closet. That's what I'm going to do with this blog.

I am going to take this blog offline on the 31st of December and start a new one (which might not be up right away, but it's coming soon). I will save all posts in text files, and I will re-post some of them in the new blog, but not all.

I want to emphasize that I'm not leaving Fat Acceptance, nor am I abandoning the things I talk about in the most recent posts. I simply want to reinvent the blog. The very first posts of this blog are not something I necessarily agree with anymore, and they bug me. They're angrier, less confident, less honest and open. They seem like they're written by someone else. There are many posts I'm proud of, but all in all, I feel I need to find a new focus. This blog never had a focus when I started out - it was just "an FA blog" at a time when I wasn't reading any other FA blogs and didn't really know what I was even writing about - or who I was writing for (in retrospect, it was probably just aimed at myself). Then it became a way to be a member of the FA community, and some of it was just sucking up. There's a lot that I've learned since then.

I need to reinvent myself on my own terms. There have been some events in the community that have shaken it, but maybe that's a good thing. It might mean that we have to increasingly redefine ourselves. That means growth. I'm hoping that we can still respect each other and learn form each other in the process, but we need to be free to grow into our own directions. I don't want to pigeonhole anymore, and I don't want to be pigeonholed.

Why not just delete the posts I don't like and keep the ones I like? For one thing, I want a new url. I no longer like the name. I think it's confrontational and somewhat aggressive. When I started, "fat" was a sort of war-cry word for me in a way that it isn't anymore. I'm a lot calmer now. I'm not sure what "fatly yours" even means. It felt funny at first, but then, a lot of things felt funny to me two years ago that bug me now. Even if I changed the title at the top, I'd have the name in the url still, so I think a fresh start is a good idea.

Why not leave this up as an archive then? Frankly, I don't want to have posts up that I'm ashamed of, because obviously people are finding the old stuff and linking to it, and I have to answer for things I no longer stand for. This happened last summer, when I had some drive-by haters from a webcomic community. Someone had found an old post I'd written about the body image issues in said comic, and they got mad. I got lots of mocking and angry comments, and a lot of it was just inane drivel - "shut up fatty" is one real example.

But it also made me think. Is this dialogue between me and non-FA people, or am I alienating those who aren't already rooted within the FA world? If outsiders read this and think "wow, what a load of bullshit" and just tell me that and leave - well, then this blog hasn't fulfilled its purpose at all. It doesn't get new people into FA, and it doesn't help build bridges between FA and outsiders. Now, I know there will always be some trolls, even if it were the best blog in the world. But the post they were commenting on was angry and confrontational. It was begging for angry responses. I didn't realize it when I wrote it, but I see it now.

I realize now that my goal hasn't exactly been to invite new people in. I have wanted to fit in with the FA movement. I have wanted to be a part of an existing whole, which may or may not be an exclusive club where you're expected to agree with certain ideas. It's been enough for me to preach to the choir. But the choir seems to be disseminating anyway, and I really feel like the movement won't be expanded if we just talk amongst ourselves. That means we have to find a language and expression that reaches out.

The new blog will probably be a general opinion blog with an FA slant (I've been thinking of blogging more about gay issues, for instance - I don't have any blogs for that at the moment). If a random reader comes by and sees a post about FA, they may look at the other posts to see what I'm on about. If they see posts they can agree with - a gay rights post, a post discussing religion, etc. - they might relax and reconsider my FA positions. Everyone won't, and that's fine too. For those only interested in my FA posts, I will use tags so you can find the relevant posts.

Two years ago, I defined myself as the fat girl. I no longer feel that way. I'm no longer angry all the time. I am more than the fatness, and I want my blog to depict that.

Kate Winslet "Feeling Fat"

Today's imdb news report that "Kate Winslet "still feels fat" after being a fat child:

"Once a fat kid, always a fat kid. Because you always think that you just look a little bit wrong or a little bit different from everyone else."

I wasn't a fat kid. I was a kid who had gone through skull operations and other stuff that other kids didn't understand. So I, too, always feel a little bit wrong and a little bit different. I think this is a result of a) bullying and b) a culture that pushes us to be "normal" and "beautiful", and I'm sure this is a familiar feeling to even the prettiest kids. I don't know what could be done about it, because as far as I know, the pressure to be the same as everyone else has always existed, both among children and adults. Only few people have had the courage to really break away from that, whether that means coming out of the closet, going against dominant beliefs, or indeed being fat acceptant in a fat hating culture.

I don't like how this article connects this feeling of "being different" to being fat. Yes, fat kids and adults have it hard, and it's good to bring that up. But fat is not the only kind of different, and I wish there was more of an admission of that. I don't like the tone of "awww, poor fat person". It's not very empowering.

Another interesting quote:

"And I still sort of have that. I often look at women who wear great jeans and high heels and nice little T-shirts wandering around the city and I think, I should make more of an effort. I should look like that."

Well, yes - we've all had those moments, and slim women have them too. But what I don't get here is whether she thinks this feeling is a bad thing and something she struggles against, or a feeling she agrees with. It sounds to me like it might be the latter, but maybe I'm underestimating her.

Kate Winslet is one of those actresses that I feel a bit ambivalent about, because I've heard statements from her back in her Titanic days - when she was putting on a bit of weight - that she wants to be different from the standard actress - eat and enjoy life. There was a somewhat rebellious tone to it all, it was accepting and brought out the hypocrisy of Hollywood when it comes to women and weight. Later, she was saying that she's still accepting but wasn't getting any roles, so she had better lose a few. Major cop-out or necessity? I'm still not sure what to think. I know it might be hard, even impossible, to get major roles when fat (or even just Hollywood fat), and if you believe this is something you can affect, I guess you want to change to get the roles, instead of having your career stand in one place while you eat whatever you want.

Only I don't think it's that simple. I think it's about sending a message too. If all Hollywood actresses refused to be skinny, the execs would have no choice except to accept a few heavier women into the major parts. On the other hand, does one woman's silent rebellion help and should she sacrifice her own career to encourage others? I'm really not sure what to say to this. I want to be a writer/translator, and no matter what my weight, I still can be. But what if my career hinged upon the loss of ten or twenty pounds? It's easy to say now that I'd persevere and never lose weight for that purpose, but I doubt that would really be the case if I really wanted that career. If I could lose the weight, maybe I would.

Would I rather have seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, my favorite movie ever, with someone else in the lead because Kate was too fat for the part? I don't think I would have. Ideally, I would have liked to see her in that part and chubby. But the way she does that role... I don't know. The world would have lost a lot if she hadn't lost weight, I guess. But this is where it gets complicated: the world's already lost a lot when extremely talented, chubby/fat actresses are being turned down left and right, and extremely talented slim actresses are being told to lose a few and then try again. Everyone doesn't have the choice to lose the weight, because everyone doesn't just get slim if they try hard enough. That's where it gets unfair.

UPDATED: "Lady Vengeance" has posted the full quote in the comments:

The full quote is, "I often look at women who wear great jeans and high heels and nice little T-shirts wandering around the city and I think, I should make more of an effort. I should look like that. But then I think, They can’t be happy in those heels.”

Thank you. And you know what, this is very interesting. This gives the quote a completely different slant. It sounds like, "I have moments of weakness when I think I should be somebody else, but then I realize I'm fine the way I am." The question is: why did imdb news dedide to report it as "awww, poor Kate, she feels so bad about herself looking at those pretty women"? I guess we know the answer - it gives enough lip service to "big girls have it hard", but doesn't rock the boat too much. Because implying that prettier women might not be happier after all - that's just too much.

This restores my faith in Kate a bit. I'm not saying she'd be a totally terrible role model if she wanted to go by that feeling and "make more of an effort". She's a great actress whom I admire, and I've enjoyed the nuances she brings to every role she's been in. So I wasn't meaning to slag her off either way.

But I'm still very relieved about that full quote.

Candace Cameron Revisited

Some time ago, I blogged about DJ on Full House. I found this article from a year ago, and I wanted to post about how people view Candace Cameron, a chubby teenager who grew up to be a slim adult. The article is written by Mike Celizic at msnbc.com.

Firstly, it states that when it comes to hardships child stars face as they grow up, Cameron "has seen it first-hand", because co-stars Jodie Sweetin and Mary-Kate Olsen suffered from drug abuse and anorexia, respectively. I always thought "first-hand" meant experiencing something yourself. I wouldn't say I have first-hand experience of anorexia or bulimia, just because I have friends who went through those issues. Also - even if Cameron worked closely with Sweetin and the Olsens as a child, it's not self-evident that they have close, or indeed any, contact today. They might, but there's nothing in the article to indicate that. But this is beside my point, it's just a pet peeve of mine that people lump actors from the same show together even after such a long time.

Cameron is described as "the cute kid who is now 31 and prettier than ever". I find this a bit disturbing. In the picture, she looks pretty much the same as she did when she was as a teenager - except a) grown up, b) slender, and c) blonde. One of these things is not like the others.

So yeah, a pretty 30-year-old would be more attractive to most adults than a baby-faced pre-teen/teenager. But that's just because a baby-faced 14-year-old looks like a child, not like a grown woman who might be a potential sexual partner. The quote also serves to show that people expected Cameron to grow up to be fat and unattractive - or perhaps "just cute" instead of pretty. It's this whole ugly duckling vibe that annoys me. Teenagers are not complete adults yet, and their looks aren't set in stone. Most of us didn't look our best as teenagers, nor do teenagers need to look good to fulfil someone's fantasy. They are still growing, and they have fragile enough self esteems as it is.

We have a phrase in Finnish: "At seventeen, a girl is at her prettiest". I remember hearing it a lot at 17 and thinking, "I'm going to end up horrible - I'm already so fat and have terrible acne!" Even if most people used the phrase jokingly, I still felt like a failure; I hadn't fulfilled my duty as a young girl. I actually think I look better today than I did then, despite being - gasp! - 30 pounds heavier. It might have to do with my self esteem being considerably better. Closer to "I'm OK the way I am" than "OMG, this article says I'm too fat!"

While I'm not sure if that phrase exists in English, the expectation certainly seems to. The writer seems confused that Cameron would be prettier now than at age, say, 14:

But Morales observed, even after having three children, Cameron looks to be in better shape than she was when she was a teenager.

Better shape. Because you know, she was chubby, so she was out of shape. And if you look like you've had children, you're out of shape. Also, teenagers should by default be in better shape than a 30-year-old (which is still young). I wonder how this question was phrased exactly. Both with this comment and the one I discussed above, I had to wonder why her teenage looks are even mentioned. If you have to bring up her looks, can't you just say "she looks great"?

Cameron attributed that to her husband, former NHL hockey star Valeri Bure, hom she married 11 years ago.

“He’s a professional athlete,” she said. “We work out together. We have fun with the kids. We all play tennis together, we ride bikes, we go on walks together. It’s really a family effort.”

I have nothing negative to say about this quote, really. Having exercise with the whole family is probably a great way of introducing children to sports - much better than, say, a school gym class where peer pressure, bullying and competitive atmosphere ruin the fun for most of the students. I just hate the fact that, in this article, the idea of family exercise is connected to Cameron keeping her weight in check and looking attractive.

What the article doesn't mention is that Cameron's parents got her a personal trainer at age 17, so she was "in shape" for the rest of the show. So when they say "as a teenager", they probably mean "between the ages of 13 and 16". So that's three years of being chubby, and they expected it to last her entire life, yet they also see it as a marker of poor lifestyle choices. An interesting double standard - chubby kids are naturally chubby and will be chubby forever, vs. chubby kids get too many snacks and too little exercise, and this is dangerous. I think both ideas exist in our culture, and it's all very confusing.

But you know what, maybe this needs to be said: chubby, for whatever reason, is not the same as unathletic. Many chubby kids love sports. My cousin, at age 6-10, was chubby, athletic, and outdoorsy. Now, at age 13, she's thinner and loves to stay indoors with little exercise. It's not always connected.

Also, teenagers are not complete adults and don't have to ascribe to beauty ideals. Maybe that bears repeating.

FA Chat on Stickam

Join Lindsay and myself at the FA chat on Stickam!

More info on Lindsay's blog (link above). You do need to join, but it doesn't take long - three fields to fill out and you get your join email instantly. The chat room is called FA chat and is password-free today. Come one come all!