Finding My Value

Just thought I'd drop in and let people know I'm still alive.

I haven't had the energy to start my new blog yet, and I'm sorry. I wanted to start right away around New Year, but I couldn't decide on the name, and was stumped by that. I wasn't able to make decisions at that point. I wasn't able to write much either. Everything just felt a bit overwhelming. In February, I was diagnosed with depression and got medication for it. It was a dark patch around that time, but I've gotten a lot better, and maybe it will be a good thing in the long run. I have a lot of self esteem issues that needed addressing, and I might as well deal with them now. That also includes my body image. I think I will be able to write much better stuff after all this.

I no longer see myself as "fat and ugly", and I no longer expect people to judge me solely based on my fat. It's a huge relief. I still had some of those feelings while blogging here, and I guess I shouldn't say it's ALL gone. I'm also feeling less guilty and inferior about my eating habits. The fatosphere helped me a lot, but I think I also needed to address some deeper personal issues to really make a change.

When I got the diagnosis, I decided to take pressure off myself in terms of political blogging - and even reading political blogs. I haven't been around the fatosphere much lately. I never really got to posting much in forums or getting to know people in the community. I don't really know if I want to change that or not. I have a certain problem with being a "member" of the fatosphere; I don't want to form opinions simply based on what some other bloggers think or say. I'm also just not a community person. So this might change, or it might not.

FA takes a lot of thought and even more guts, and lately I haven't had room for either with the depression. But I'm coming back slowly. Right now, I'm at a point where I'm re-evaluating things, but I'm not really sure yet where I'm going to end up. So maybe I'll continue my little break still and start blogging again later. I have, however, started the blog; it's called Finding My Value, and while there are no new posts yet, it already contains some of my old posts from this blog. I won't re-post all of them - some were written pretty shoddily and others I no longer agree with. But there are some of my favorite posts archived. I haven't re-posted any comments yet (tho I do have the comments saved); I will probably do that later.

I have a sporadically updated diary blog at Deniselle's Diary Blog.

And if you're into actor James Callis, I also have The Baltarstar Blog, a fan blog that I'm updating pretty much weekly.
I actually posted a sort of fat acceptance post there once, in response to a movie he made a while back. If you're interested, it's here. I'm past feeling bad about the movie, but kinda proud over the post, because it took some courage to show my colors. I don't really talk much about fat acceptance in the fan circles, but people know where I stand, and they've been respectful. They know me personally, so maybe that helps, but I must say I'm amazed that I got no negative feedback at all on that post.

If you want to follow me on Twitter, you're welcome to do so (although it's mostly a fan Twitter, I also talk a bit about my everyday life). I'm at BaltarStar.

Oh, and about my Facebook account: I haven't signed on in ages and might not go back there, because to be honest, I hate Facebook and all its confusing applications. I might make another account later. If you friended me there and I seemed to ignore you, this is why. Nothing personal.

So that's my personal update for now. I'm doing pretty well right now, but political stuff still overwhelms me a bit, so I might not be back for a little while yet. Courage and strength to everyone blogging about body image and acceptance, as well as to everyone struggling with these issues in their daily lives. You're beautiful and, most importantly, valuable just the way you are. Keep up the important work!