A Fresh Start

You may have noticed posting has been sporadic lately. I've been thinking about many post topics, but for some reason, haven't been able to post much. The blog doesn't really feel mine anymore. A lot changes in two years - I feel like I've outgrown it. It's like an old nightie that you want to keep forever because you like it so much, but at some point, you have to admit that it's tight and has holes in it. You can't wear it in front of guests anymore. You can only put it in the back of your closet. That's what I'm going to do with this blog.

I am going to take this blog offline on the 31st of December and start a new one (which might not be up right away, but it's coming soon). I will save all posts in text files, and I will re-post some of them in the new blog, but not all.

I want to emphasize that I'm not leaving Fat Acceptance, nor am I abandoning the things I talk about in the most recent posts. I simply want to reinvent the blog. The very first posts of this blog are not something I necessarily agree with anymore, and they bug me. They're angrier, less confident, less honest and open. They seem like they're written by someone else. There are many posts I'm proud of, but all in all, I feel I need to find a new focus. This blog never had a focus when I started out - it was just "an FA blog" at a time when I wasn't reading any other FA blogs and didn't really know what I was even writing about - or who I was writing for (in retrospect, it was probably just aimed at myself). Then it became a way to be a member of the FA community, and some of it was just sucking up. There's a lot that I've learned since then.

I need to reinvent myself on my own terms. There have been some events in the community that have shaken it, but maybe that's a good thing. It might mean that we have to increasingly redefine ourselves. That means growth. I'm hoping that we can still respect each other and learn form each other in the process, but we need to be free to grow into our own directions. I don't want to pigeonhole anymore, and I don't want to be pigeonholed.

Why not just delete the posts I don't like and keep the ones I like? For one thing, I want a new url. I no longer like the name. I think it's confrontational and somewhat aggressive. When I started, "fat" was a sort of war-cry word for me in a way that it isn't anymore. I'm a lot calmer now. I'm not sure what "fatly yours" even means. It felt funny at first, but then, a lot of things felt funny to me two years ago that bug me now. Even if I changed the title at the top, I'd have the name in the url still, so I think a fresh start is a good idea.

Why not leave this up as an archive then? Frankly, I don't want to have posts up that I'm ashamed of, because obviously people are finding the old stuff and linking to it, and I have to answer for things I no longer stand for. This happened last summer, when I had some drive-by haters from a webcomic community. Someone had found an old post I'd written about the body image issues in said comic, and they got mad. I got lots of mocking and angry comments, and a lot of it was just inane drivel - "shut up fatty" is one real example.

But it also made me think. Is this dialogue between me and non-FA people, or am I alienating those who aren't already rooted within the FA world? If outsiders read this and think "wow, what a load of bullshit" and just tell me that and leave - well, then this blog hasn't fulfilled its purpose at all. It doesn't get new people into FA, and it doesn't help build bridges between FA and outsiders. Now, I know there will always be some trolls, even if it were the best blog in the world. But the post they were commenting on was angry and confrontational. It was begging for angry responses. I didn't realize it when I wrote it, but I see it now.

I realize now that my goal hasn't exactly been to invite new people in. I have wanted to fit in with the FA movement. I have wanted to be a part of an existing whole, which may or may not be an exclusive club where you're expected to agree with certain ideas. It's been enough for me to preach to the choir. But the choir seems to be disseminating anyway, and I really feel like the movement won't be expanded if we just talk amongst ourselves. That means we have to find a language and expression that reaches out.

The new blog will probably be a general opinion blog with an FA slant (I've been thinking of blogging more about gay issues, for instance - I don't have any blogs for that at the moment). If a random reader comes by and sees a post about FA, they may look at the other posts to see what I'm on about. If they see posts they can agree with - a gay rights post, a post discussing religion, etc. - they might relax and reconsider my FA positions. Everyone won't, and that's fine too. For those only interested in my FA posts, I will use tags so you can find the relevant posts.

Two years ago, I defined myself as the fat girl. I no longer feel that way. I'm no longer angry all the time. I am more than the fatness, and I want my blog to depict that.